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[12 Apr 2007|02:45pm] |
i am going to cyprus finally! haha i must have written it here a million times but this time i actually am my ticket is booked for may 7th and im outta here wooo!
i wrote a list a few weeks ago of a plan of what i wanted to happen, and i usually i do things like that then bottle out of it and end up carrying on what im doing already but this time i did it, and for once imdoing what i want to do
although im shitting it, every little thing there is to worry about im worrying about it to the full and i'm hardly sleeping or eating at all, but i know that once im out there and saettled in everything will be ok and thats all that matters
i just hope i can help my nan as much as i can while she's ill, i know she doesn't have long left but atleast i can be with her
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[19 Mar 2007|03:37pm] |
i'm sick of being ignored, i'm sick of not knowing what to do, i'm sick of not being able to say what i want to say, i wish some could tell me what i can do so eveything is right. i wish i was so naive that i truly belived that everything is either black or white, good or bad, and i wish it was all good and never had to go through the bad, cause i'm sick of being able to handle things.
i just want a good life. a full filled life. how many more years am i gonna go on doing the same thing, looking back and thinking 'nothings changed at all'
god damn it i just want this week to be over so i know what the fuck is going on.
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[17 Mar 2007|03:29pm] |
for fucks sakes!
i want to leave this shithole
i have finally made my decision i am leaving!
as soon as i know whats going on woth my nan thats it i going.
im not staying here even if i have to find somewhere else to stay i cant bear it here i just want my new life already where its hot and sunny and there are fit guys and you dont have to wear layers of clothing and can wear cute luttle summer dresses and look all pretty and everything sexy wooo!
oh please please can i get the courage to say to my dad i want to go and not bottle it like i do every week, i know hes worried about his dad but his reasons for me not to go are silly and unrealistic basically the greeks deny everything and dont deal with the truth they dont deal with my nad dying appropriately and i know its hard to watch someone you love dying but i would rather be there even in the shit times if its means getting to spend more time with someone before they are gone for gone cause otherwise you will just regret when its too late and i think i can help, i will do whatever i can even if all i can do is talk to my family and help them deal with the situation better and i know i can do that.
i only have to wait a week beasically ill ask my dad the news with nan and just say upfront i still want to go, and i know its hard but i can deal with it and i want to help if i can and just spend time with nan
cause im going to go to cyprus at some point and i would feel bad if i waited till my nan died till i went so its now or never, and im not going to come back im serious about my new life in cyprus its not just like some fun cause if it was then obviously i wouldnt go cause of the circumstance im not going for a holliday im going for a new life and im prepared for anything that i have to deal with when i get there
amen
and i dont have to worry about money cause i have a 1000 from my dad when i need it thankfully
oh yeah and my work got shitter the new supervisors are on pwer trips and are getting everyone into trouble and now im in troube but nothing i cant handle but they are imature sneaky gossiping bitches who dont understand the simple art of comminication
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[04 Mar 2007|02:55pm] |
my mother is such a selfish hypocrytical cow sometimes.
and my mums boyfriends is a twat can talk shit behind my back but not to my face, i wish he'd fuck off, he;s stupid and he thinks he knows more then he does. arsehole.
basically i'm not even earning 60 ounds a week and my mum is trying to ron 10 pounds of that every week, now if i was earning 100 punds or more then that would be fair but if she takes a tenner from me every week that leaves me 47 pounds for the week, which 10 of that is for bus fare food and rink fro work, 30 punds for driving lessons and then 7 quid, left over and i want to go out which i can;t do with 7 quid.
i've had no social life for years basically i'm finally getting my life back my mums constantly goes on about me never going out now she wants to jack my money so i can't go out now.
and i wouldn't mind half as much if she actually had a fucking job herself but she doesn;t and then she tries to make everyone else feel bad cause she says they need more money, well if they are fucking deperate for money she can get a fucking job and stop trying to take everyone elses.
so i'm setting the terms, she gets nothing unless i'm earning 100 ppund or more a week.
which is alright in a couple of weeks she'll get her precious tenner.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK.
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[27 Feb 2007|11:10pm] |
i never realised how important being 'the prettiest' was to me till today, thats pretty shallow.
i need to change the way i think about people in regards to how they look. how sad of me.
anyway......he's gone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
Ii'm going to watch lady vengeance now.
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[26 Feb 2007|11:14pm] |
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thank god my stupid fat stinky boss is leaving tommorow, he is such an arsehole its umbelievable.
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[24 Feb 2007|04:51pm] |
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i am definetely not going to stay here, i'm going to cyprus its my final decision nothing will make me stay here, i'm just going for it. no more getting sidetracked.
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[22 Feb 2007|12:26pm] |
so, i'm kind of in a dillema, for the lat year and a half i've been obsessing over moving to cyprus. i decided a month ago that i really need tp get a job, so after month of not trying i send off a few cv's and which resulted in me getting a job. now i have a job my spirits are lifted and i have actually been thinking about staying here now. which scares me, because if i decide to stay and things get shit again i've missed my oppurtunity to go to cyprus. its all so confusing, part of me thinks that i can stay here and work hings out and then another is saying i need to go away to do that. i don't even make sense.
but, i've even been thinking about finding somewhere else to live like finding a roommate or something just cause i can't fucking stand living here anymore, all my friens and old school mates me age are at uni or getting their own places i fell like i've been left behind even my bro has moved out and he's 2 years younger then me.
i dunno i just need a change.
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[20 Feb 2007|02:59pm] |
so having a job is actually not so bad. and pretty much after my first day working there i'm not scared anymore, and like i can do the job, its cool. and the people i work with are all nice, except my boss who's weird but he's actually a good bloke, and he's leaving soon so yeah.
i'm actually that cool with it that i haven't thought about cyprus for a while, and i don't even know what the fuck is going on with that right now, but i think i'm still going to go, i have a habit of making decisions based on how i'm feeling at the time not what will benefit me for the future so i think i'm def going to stick with my plans, but well...
all i know is everything is actaully going well right now.
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[17 Feb 2007|02:53pm] |
i have a big crush on a fat chav who beats up people for fun, gets stoned 24/7 and is only 17
WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!?@#*!?
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[12 Feb 2007|03:24pm] |
i was having a good day today until my boss rang me and asked me to work tommorow, god damn, i was looking foward to no work untill friday.
fuck, well atleast i don't have to work with him, THANK GOD.
and i suppose its some extra money too.
aww man, i only have to work 4 hours which is alright, i just hate working evenings, its bollocks.
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[11 Feb 2007|12:24pm] |
its funny how you can feel on top of the world one day and then complete shit the next.
so as usualy my dad assumed that now i have a job i'm not going to cyprus anymore.
it fucks me right off.
i suppose i have to just tell him i still want to go.
i'm not stayin in this shit contry working in a fucking shit dvd rental shop with a fat compulsive liar for a boss who fucking stinks.
i'm so tried aswell i haven't slept at all this weekend i just lie awak all night, and i have work tonight and i can't be bothered.
why can't everything go right for me for once.
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[10 Feb 2007|12:30pm] |
ok, so, work isn't that bad, although i worked for 9 hours last night and i'm so much pain, i think it might kill me soon.
and although its not as boring as my last job, sometimes there is nothing to do, and no where to sit, so you're just standing all the time. my back and legs hurt so much. and when i got back from work i wasn't tired, so i ended up watching click...was quite good, i mean typical film, but you know whatever, and then i just lay awake till 5 in the morning trying to get to sleep, eventually got some sleep this morning, about 3 hours or something.
but i got a txt from my cousin in cyprus!! i love her she's so great, everytime i'm feeling down and unsure about moving to cyprus she txts me and i get all excited about going again
she txt to ask when i was coming over, and that i need to come soon to so we can find a job together, how sweet! she rocks! so today i'm hopefully going to speak to my dad, tell him i still really want to go, speak to my yiayia and bappoo in cyprus make sure its ok to still go over, and then hopefully book my ticket, today!! i don't know if i'll be paying for it, or my dad, my bro told me last year that he said he'd buy my ticket for an early bday present, but i don't mind paying, i got this job, and the ticket will only cost 100 quid or so, but i'm hoping he'll buy it, cause i won't see him on my bday so you know. anyway.
i'm going to watch never mind the buzzcocks now, i missed it on wednesday. love it!!!
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[08 Feb 2007|01:25pm] |
the snow looks pretty.
more snow apparently!
i hope in snows so much i can't get to work.
i really hope my boss rings to say the shops shut tommorow.
fat chance though, fridays busy apparently.
i don't want to to work =[ i'm still scared.
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[07 Feb 2007|06:49pm] |
god damn, work rung, and i have to go into work on friday, one of the busiest days!! i'm scared, and i have to work 1 till 10, i can't get home. i wish i never took this job.
it sucks.
ok i can get through 4 weeks, it will fly by.
i'm 100% going to book my ticket on the weekend, without doubt.
omg, and when my boss rang he asked me if i'd rang on the weekend to find out what days i was working, i mean wtf?! he said he'd contact me to let me know.
god damn it.
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[07 Feb 2007|11:24am] |
still no phone call...
i best not be working on the weekend, that wouldn't be fair.
i seriously think i may not have a job after all.
funnily enough...i don't really mind, well the rejection part i do, but the rest makes up.
maybe i should just go back to performing, its the only thing i've ever done that i enjoyed.
just don't think i have the confidence to do auditions anymore. i don't know, if i build my confidence back when i move to cy then i might save some money come back and go to performing arts school. i do miss it so much, and it part of a person i used to be, before all the shit stuff happened and i didn't care.
well, i'm seriously thinking about this, i've been thinking about it since xmas. maybe i could join a dance and drama class just to get the feel back for it.
i dunno, anyway...lalala
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[06 Feb 2007|01:55pm] |
i have a sneaky suspicion i may have hit my all time new record in the job department and been sacked after only working for 5 hours (well 4 cause i was late) i'm supposed to have started work this week, but i haven't even had a phone call to say when i start. i thought i'd have atleast been told what day. i'm only working part time hours, so i might only work for 2 or 3 days, but if i don't hear anything for the rest of the day, then i guess my suspicions may have been confirmed.
honestly, i'd actually not mind being sacked, cause that means then i can tell my mum that i quit the dole because i thought i'd got the job rather then admitting that i quit before xmas and all this time i've never had any money.
why do i let things get so complicated.
anyway, i wouldn't mind working, i'd prefer not to, just cause it shit scares me. but i could do with the confidnece boost, if i didn't get to work the next few weeks it probably wouldn't benefit me when i move away, but whatever, i'm happier in cyprus so i guess thats means something if anything
lalala, everything is bugging me right now, EVERYTHING.
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[04 Feb 2007|03:03pm] |
i feel shit, my head hurts, i'm so tired, i dunno why i feel this way, i didn't get drunk last night, maybe i'm ill from walking in the cold all night, or probs stressed out about this new job.
i hope my boss never calls me in to work.
i'm thinking about just spending my first pay check on my ticket and leaving asap, but then i'll have the same problem when i go there and have to work. and it will be harder, cause i can hardly speak the language.
man, i wish life was as simple as finding a rich man and marrying him. god damn
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[04 Feb 2007|12:19pm] |
i can't do this job
i feel completely useless. shit scared.
and last night...oh...my...god.
my friend rang me to hang out and we ended up walking around in the freezing cold till 2 in the morning, absolute hell, we had no money, nowhere to go, i should never have gone, walking around in the middle of the night i felt like some 13 year old kid. my friends just wantd to smoke pot and get drunk, but fuckinf i'm not walking around drinking all night with no toiket to go to, freezing, i just wanted to go to bed.
WORST NIGHT EVER.
NEVER AGAIN.
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[02 Feb 2007|08:55pm] |
i started my new job today. i was so shocked when i got offered it, because i was convinced i'd done badly in the interview because my nerves just took over. but luckily the manager look passed the nerves and offered me the job, i just hope i don't let him down, because although todayw ent ok, when i had to start serving customers i started getting really scared. i'm just so shy, i find it really hard not to think about what people are thinking about me. its only been my first day, so i don't know what i'm so to expect myself to acheive from one day. i feel like i could of done better and that my boss is probably thinking why the hell he hired me. and i know i'm just imagining that, but it seems real to me. i'm only planning on staying there for 6 weeks, but i'm determined to stick the whole 6 weeks, and get over some of my shyness, so when i go to cyprus, i'm not completely overwhelmed with being thrown into social situations. and this job involves me talking to customers and engaging in conversations. i'm so passive, and i hate it. i wish i could just say things without thinking if i should say it or not, i usually end up keeping quiet all the time, and then people start to think that i don't want to to talk to anybody so they stop talking to me and i hate that, i want to be social and part of a group not on the outside or left out.
so i'm going to get over this.
i'm going to stop worrying so much about the customers, if i muck up a few times, its tough shit i'm new, i can't get everything right.
if a negative thought comes into my head, i'm going to turn it into a positive.
and i'm going to say more, even if it just 'hi, how are you' or i dunno anything.
i decided i'm going to make a daily journal, and write down everytime i've let my shyness get in the way of something, and then write what i would have done if the shyness wasn't there, and what i can do next time if the situation comes up.
lots of people get over their shyness, and i'm going to too, woooo!
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